Turd Monkey

January 14th, 2014, mine and Brian's anniversary, the day the terrible twos hit:

I walked into Jack's room and he was standing in his crib, NAKED.  Pee covered his sheets because his diaper had been thrown on the floor across the room.  Apparently he'd stripped himself down to nothing sometime during the night.  He was now pointing to his diaper and mumbling.  It was as if he were complaining to me that his diaper was off and was mad because he was a mess.  Like somehow it was my fault that he'd done this to himself.  So I had a load full of blankets and Bear to wash (on top of my never-ending laundry).  I was thankful, however, there wasn't poop involved.

I put a fresh diaper on him and took him out of the crib.  I couldn't deal with the pee party at the moment because I had to bring in all of the groceries from my car.  He started playing with his toys while the girls and I tried to haul in the groceries.  Good, at least he was out of the way.  About five minutes later I noticed he was walking around with a bottle of liquid starch. No, not the spray starch that you use on your clothes, but a gallon sized bottle of liquid.  Then I noticed that it was EMPTY.  It wasn't supposed to be empty!!!  It had been half-full.  I made my way cautiously through the living room and found the contents of the bottle.  He'd dumped the bottle onto my fireplace, end table, and coffee table.  I have tables that are made of slate tiles.  The starch had seeped through the cracks and were dripping sticky, starchy puddles onto the floor.  *sigh*  He looked at me and made some incomprehensible sentence in Jackanese.  He was probably telling me, "Look what I did, Mom.  That's what you get for turning your back on me for 2.5 seconds."  I then gave him a spanking and he threw a terrible tantrum, complete with his alien pig scream (that's what his tantrum scream sounds like to me.... an alien pig.)

Two minutes later he was over it and had moved on to play again again.  I continued to put away the groceries.  Another few minutes passed and I noticed Jack wasn't where he'd just been.  I immediately found him hiding under the dining table.  I guess he thought that this time, if he were out of sight, he could do his bad boy deeds unharmed.  He knew he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing because when I found him he cowered down and tried to hide his stolen treasure.  He had snuck a bottle of liquid dish soap out of one of the grocery bags.  He'd turned the bottle upside down and was squirting it all out on himself and rubbing it into his skin like lotion.  Another spanking.  The alien pig returned.

Later that afternoon while Arden and Jack were playing, Arden runs to me and says, ":Mommy, you need to to spank Jack again.  He's being really bad."  He was just being a terror.  Hitting his sister, throwing fits when she took a toy, and yelling "Don't!" when she got close to him.

*sigh*

That evening Arden had a brand new can of cashews that she was snacking on.  "Arden, please remember to put those back in the pantry.  You know your brother will get a hold of them and dump them out."
"Yes, ma'am."

Arden did not remember to put them back in the pantry.

Jack did dump them out.

*sigh*